Dance like a woman

My struggle to let more of the Yin show!

I have had many very competent women leaders in my teams and seen many competent women leaders in my company and industry. Later in my entrepreneurial years, I had several dynamic women clients. Many of my female friends are very competent leaders, too. I have built a relationship with my wife & my 2 daughters, so I think I understand women. I have many competitive women runner friends & many trekkers who are tougher than me. I also have amazing female friends who led their homes and found more value there than jumping into corporate jobs.

But until recently, I hardly thought about how women led their lives, businesses, friendships, and families. I saw differences in how women colleagues or clients responded to various triggers. Often, I just ignored these differences, and truth be told, most of my role models were men with a different style. I was inspired by a “take charge” attitude and a framework of what I perceived as leadership. Getting things done, being emphatic & speaking with clarity inspired me. I know the use of assertive & direct language also profoundly influenced me. I had quick judgments about people who were wishy-washy & tentative about their opinions. I am sure I downplayed men who were sensitive & sometimes tentative about decisions. I liked fast talkers & people who made quick decisions.

Some research suggests that women may use more tentative language (“I think,” “maybe,” “perhaps”) to soften their statements, while men may use more direct and assertive language. For years, I fought the urge to show my doubts; instead, I couched them in very forceful language. I don’t know if more men did this, but I have seen it often in the corporate world. Maybe I was looking for it more!

I realize now that I often reacted strongly whenever others were tentative. I wanted an instant, clear view and, therefore, fast action.

I wonder how my decisions would change and lead to different outcomes if I were more forgiving of curious and, therefore, sometimes tentative people. Only now do I sense this complexity and the layers that can make us all better leaders and live happier lives?

Sally Kempton points to the danger of pigeonholing men and women based on gender: I have a bit of a problem with the idea that the feminine is naturally nurturing and emotional, and the masculine is naturally competitive and aggressive. Both genders are nurturing in their own way and assertive in their own way. I would say that, in an individual, Shakti is much more about finding your source of the vibrant fountain of power that is moving through your unique configuration—which applies to men and women.

As I think back over the years and about my life today, women do things differently as they Lead. Maybe this wasn’t visible to me earlier. Some of my earliest professional memories were about an aggressive male boss pushing challenging targets down a sales team’s throats. The language was often pushy, aggressive, and warlike. The take-charge language excites me & I think I started role-modeling it in my leadership.

I didn’t worry about the words that I used. Often, they were only vehicles for getting something done, so the fewer, the better. The words were often warlike: attack, win, beat, defeat! When under pressure, I would usually use the same words or phrases. Words were on autopilot for me, almost like driving an automatic vehicle, and sometimes, I was even proud of the words I used repeatedly. Some from my HDFC bank & Cequity teams may cringe when they hear- “Wake up & smell the coffee.”

Words can hurt or heal. It is our choice how we choose them and how we use them.

According to Andrew Newberg, M.D., and Mark Robert Waldman, words can change your brain. In their book Words Can Change Your Brain, they write.

“A single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.” So repetitive positive thoughts, words, and behaviors can physically change the brain, enhancing emotional health and resilience. Positive words and thoughts can increase dopamine and serotonin levels, neurotransmitters associated with pleasure and well-being.

Words carry a lot of meaning & intent & I was surprisingly not very sensitive to it.

I worked in competitive industries with a range of women’s participation. Most of the women I encountered were in the social sector, Retail, FMCG, and now leadership training.

This is a story about the early years of our company, Cequity. We helped our clients use data for better marketing. I was the co-founder and hungry to grow our company.

I was new to working with clients. I had been a client all my working life until then, and it seemed alien to be sitting on the other side. There was this feeling that real work happened at the client’s end. I also carried quite a few judgments about the role of agencies and professional services in general.

I had picked up judgments from my many years as a client. When clients briefed me, I often seemed to push back, sometimes for good reason and often as a reaction.

Our business was new in 2007, and data was not as sexy as it has become. We were an agency helping clients use their customer data more effectively. And there she was, a senior member of the marketing team at my client company and my primary contact. Sheila was a knowledeable & dynamic leader and was responsible for adopting analytics for the company. She was in a high-pressure industry but always seemed unruffled.

She always had time to do a fair amount of general chat before we got down to brass tacks. I was edgy, pushy, and intent on making a difference in her business. Sheila had an aggressive boss, someone who had chosen me based on the recommendation of the managing director. I had a lot to prove and a lot of new ground to cover. I was impatient & thirsting to do more with an inexperienced team. Often, I would push back & try to articulate different viewpoints. She would always hear me patiently, usually letting me go in the direction I had suggested. Long story short, we did well & established a good relationship with our client & made a significant impact.

In an informal chat with her boss, me, and a few of my teammates, Sheila mentioned that she had to learn to work with two bosses, but it was fun. The penny only dropped then,as a service provider I should have been more sensitive.Instead, I seemed to have crossed many boundaries of being a service provider & Sheila had the maturity to let me be. Reflecting on her feedback, I could not recollect a single incident where she had pushed back aggressively and used harsh words.

Yet her agenda had always been met, and it struck me that there is another softer way to accomplish objectives. The language of success doesn’t need to be aggressive.

It is beginning to happen now for me; I am embracing the idea that my intentions & my language are deeply connected. The knowledge that new vocabulary is essential to cement a new intention. I am pausing a bit and playing with a few more words before I serve them, like a card player examining his hand before playing his turn.

If you are motivated, words will do what we bid them to do.

I realize I am judgmental about soft, caring, and emotional words. When people around me use such words, I seem to shrink inside. I don’t know what it is, but something about such words contracts me. I immediately form a judgment about the person using such words. I believe the person is fake, and she uses such words to make an effect. I have a solid reaction to such people.

Deborah Tannen’s Gender and Discourse discusses how men’s communication styles tend to focus more on hierarchy and competition, while women’s styles often emphasize connection and cooperation. Understanding these differences can aid in bridging communication gaps between genders, she says.

I don’t recollect when it started, but it seemed to have peaked when I joined a program designed to help me become a Leadership coach. The instructors’ lingo and emotional approach scared me. Words that more intensely expressed emotions seem to make me uncomfortable. The judgment these words create about the person using them was so strong that I immediately started feeling pessimistic about the person. And yet, with some people I categorize as more genuine, this does not always happen. I seem more accepting of this vocabulary if the person’s approach is softer and gentler. I see the irony in this & I marvel at the human mind. Why do words create so much judgment for me? Why don’t aggressive words have the same effect? Or do they & I have not given it enough thought? If someone uses words like speed, action, accelerate, take, win, ruthlessly, win at all costs. I don’t think my emotions are getting disturbed. But if someone says care, love, embody, etc., I get triggered.

So, my journey to discover another facet of language has only just started! I first heard of choosing a word of the year from Ali Edwards, a prominent figure in the scrapbooking and life documenting community. She has developed a year-long project called One Little Word that encourages you to choose a word as a guide for the year.

Choose a word to define your year ahead. My word of choice for this year is Tentative! Go ahead; what’s it going to be for you?