January is the month we all go after our new resolutions, and February is also the month when many of those new ideas peter out. Some of them may have been big ideas for ourselves, and some were smaller projects we wanted to take on. We may have wanted to start new companies, start a new job, or maybe start new behaviors—becoming more human, becoming kinder, getting fitter, or losing some weight. Whatever we want to start, the truth is that we often stumble. We want to start these new projects, we want to grow as leaders, and yet we don’t. Or we start, only to falter by February and then give up.
I was curious: why does this happen? And when has this happened to me before?
Around late 2005, I was keen to become an entrepreneur. Something about starting something from scratch and building it was exciting to me. I was in my early 40s and felt like the corporate world was not the place for me. I was in a big, very successful company, and yet I felt that I could do more. I knew that I wanted to do something in the field of data and analytics—those words weren’t so sexy then in the year 2007. Around that time, I developed a strong professional relationship with a leader from my advertising agency. I and my future partner had spent enough time discussing our ideas in coffee shops! We agreed to start our company. I took a call to resign from my CMO job at HDFC Bank. We discussed where to start the company, and our unanimous view was Chennai because of the costs and available talent. In my mind, I was keen to act fast, though we had a young family and lots to consider before taking any calls. Kudos to Sonali, my wife, who supported me unconditionally and went along with my need for speed. Along with Sonali, I went to Chennai to look for schools, finalized one, and almost closed on a rented flat! And then my business partner had cold feet; he said, Let’s think some more! He was not wrong, he wanted to be sure about investors, etc. But, I had gone all in, and here I was stuck in another liminal moment—not out of my job but with my heart already looking for other pastures! Thankfully, me and my partner got together the year after, and Cequity was born. But I seemed to be ready to act before him, only because I had an instinctive feeling that nothing will ever be perfect, and so if I want to become an entrepreneur, I need to act first and keep learning from the action.
Accidentally, I found what research has shown to be a principle called outsight. Most leadership training or coaching tries to change the way we think, asking us to reflect on who we are and who we’d like to become. Everywhere we go, we hear that we should introspect, think about who we want to be, and then act. Often, before we start something new, we try to change our mind about something and introspect to make that change happen. And then we get stuck in thinking, and often action just does not happen.
"Outsight: do something new and learn from it; don’t just re-learn from old things,” says Herminia Ibarra, the Charles Handy Professor of Organizational Behavior at London Business School (LBS).
source: Herminia Ibarra
Aristotle observed that people become virtuous by acting virtuous; if you do good, you’ll be good. As management guru Richard Pascale puts it, “Adults are more likely to act their way into a new way of thinking than to think their way into a new way of acting.” And yet the message we get from the world around us—mentors, coaches, colleagues, podcasts, and friends—is to introspect and think more about our future before we act.
“Our mindsets are very difficult to change because changing requires experience in what we are least apt to do. Without the benefit of an outside-in approach to change, our self-conceptions and therefore our habitual patterns of thought and action are rigidly fenced in by the past.”
The older you are, the more you reflect, and don’t let action precede it. I wanted to be an entrepreneur, but I was scared. I didn’t want to fail, and I knew that starting something new had a large risk of failure. What we do is who we are. Changing disrupts a large part of our lives, and it seems very uncertain. Transitions are always moving away from something we know very well to a new territory we don’t know much about. So it’s scary, and the older we get, the less support we have about making career changes, and so many anxieties stop us. No one is helping you out. So acting your way into a new career is the only way to get more data about what’s working for you. This does not mean that we don’t reflect & think about what we should do. It’s just that reflection may not be the first thing that we do; maybe we can act instead.
Often, we think of our identity as something fixed—this is who I am. But it is okay to have multiple identities. We can quickly prototype ourselves. Ibarra says, “Our working identity is not a hidden treasure waiting to be discovered at the very core of our being. Rather, it is made up of many possibilities: some tangible and concrete, defined by the things we do; others existing only in the realm of future potential and private dreams.”
How can we flirt with our possible selves?
I know that there is a part of me that loves speed and brings a huge sense of urgency to my life. This “everything is urgent” part of me is very valuable. He has provided superb service and got me to where I am today. I recognize his service, and I want to compliment him on the amazing sense of focus that he has had for many years. I want him to continue to support me, but I also want him to feel that he is not required at all times. I want to celebrate my freedom from an always-on sense of urgency. It was born out of a sense of having less time in this world and a need to prove myself to others. So this is an experiment with me having another self. So having a lot of free time on my calendar to explore many different fields is an expression of this new self. This is one way that I am flirting with a possible self who is less aggressive, maybe!
Moving to Goa four years back and then found myself at peace with my genuine level of ambition and not feeling pressured to go, go, go all the time. To be able to choose at last. To be able to leave behind the inner voice that always said to me, "Go make a difference, make an impact on this world, and don’t just glide silently through this ocean of life." It took a long time for me to accept that it doesn’t have to always be like this; sometimes sailing silently can be good. For the longest time, I did not even allow such a question to enter my mind. Who were you, and what was your standing if you didn't aspire to be the very best that the world wanted? Not what you could be, but rather what the world wanted and celebrated. Everything I did was about this journey to be the best at whatever I did. It made me razor-focused; there was a view that the world carried about what was "best, and I would strive to be that. So it came as a huge surprise to me when I could start to accept that, Hey, I don’t have to be the most ambitious person around; I am ok even if I set my own pace. And finally, I realized that slow can be good. My new innings, moving to Goa, and creating a portfolio life seem to be telling me that slow is good. It’s funny that when I think about my life earlier, I could never have played this new inning as a hard-driving entrepreneur, and I needed to smell the coffee and slow down to even begin to structure a new life. I am feeling so good about this fact. Also, my readiness to accept a dramatically different viewpoint—that slow can also be good—would never have happened if I hadn't moved to Goa. Who would have thought that my pivot to become a leadership coach would need me to slow down, give up, or at least taper down this Monday madness that had ruled me till then? I would never have guessed that Goa had its own unique way of slowing me down and allowing me to feel stuff around me in a more granular fashion. Earlier, I felt like I had no time to pause and feel the world. And so I am flirting with another self who is more comfortable with the lack of speed.
Most people understand that “what got you here won’t get you there.” But people still find it hard to reinvent themselves because what they are being asked to do clashes with how they think about their jobs and how they think about themselves.”
Starting with action rather than thinking is key because, according to Ibarra, “the paradox of change is that the only way to alter the way we think is by doing the very things our habitual thinking keeps us from doing.” So it starts with our action, which produces new data for us that can challenge & even change our thinking.
But this needs us to be vulnerable. And it’s not easy. Vulnerability often goes unnoticed as a skill. Yet, it possesses the ability to move an ordinary performer into another orbit.
Our working identity can be developed through four related sets of actions.
Crafting experiments: You can get started by crafting experiments. This means trying out new work roles and activities to see if you like them. Many times in my career, I have done things that didn’t seem like experiments, but now I see that they were just that. I moved from my corporate role to my entrepreneurial one and started working with my clients for the first time. Till then, I was a client and had agencies working for me. One of my earliest clients was a perceptive lady who educated me on how to work with clients. I still remember her telling me once: “When I work with you, I often get the feeling that I have two bosses.”. It was a “not so subtle” way of telling me I was stepping over some boundaries. And that made me try many new behaviors that helped me in the decade ahead as I built a business with clients.
Shifting connections: the next set of actions involves the realization that your existing networks are not enough for you to make such transitions. This means developing contacts who can open doors for you into the world you aspire to join and finding people you may be inspired by. Also, we tend to get stuck in echo chambers, networking with people like us. So go out & build on “weak ties”, like just a casual acquaintance! How do you find people who are not like you & build new networks? It’s the new information or new ideas that come from weak ties that make them so important.
Holding Colliding viewpoints: This is the skill of holding two contrary notions simultaneously in our minds, and often we find ourselves challenged by this contradiction. How likely are we to accept the paradoxes that we now see? And yet, being able to center ourselves, retain our confidence, and take action. How often do we challenge ourselves by seeking out viewpoints that are at odds with what we believe? How would you behave if you actively looked for such different viewpoints rather than seeking consensus? What would it look like to cast our net wider and gather more perspectives? More than 8 to 10 years ago, I met a friend who ran a non-profit called Antarang(amazing work they do with helping students discover their career passions.) My exposure to this social impact space, and especially Priya, has exposed me to a whole load of different leadership styles and practices, many of which I have embraced and some with which I don’t agree.
Active reflection: The final set of actions involves making sense of your unfolding experiences and modifying your life story as a result. This is a lot about reflecting on these different identities that you have played with in your experiments. As Ibarra says, “When you’re playing with various self-concepts, you favor exploration, withholding commitment until you know more about where you are going. You focus less on achievement than on learning. If it doesn’t work for you, then you try something else instead.” So I have still not concluded about my new slower life, but I am going with the flow and beginning to revel in it.
This set me thinking: how often do we experiment in areas that we may know nothing about? How do we urge ourselves to do this new kind of experiment? As leaders, we have developed one style over the years: maybe we are analytical and don’t spend too much time on the softer, more emotional issues. How about experimenting a bit? A good place to start is just to observe what “people unlike you” do more of. Some years ago at a client engagement, I noticed how a company leader allowed everyone to have their say before he came in with his input. Maybe something like that is an "experiment." What if we don’t rush to give our feedback at an important meeting and let others speak? Our minds are made from past experiences. It would help if you allowed new experiences to come in and give you new data, which can give you "outsight.
So the work I do is about helping my clients set up these small experiments with their leadership style. Help them start by changing small parts of their leadership style—how they talk, how they listen, and how they push people to act. I encourage them to try alternate ways of doing the same thing. Try different paths. Take action, and then use the feedback from your actions to figure out what is working for you and then scale that up.
Herminia has this wonderful perspective: “You don’t unearth your true self; it emerges from what you do.”.
So start experimenting now!
Beautiful article! Have so many takeaways to play with and experiment in my own life. Thank you!